I had never given much thought to the fact that I am not totally honest with myself and other people about what it’s like to be a parent.
I don’t know that I am not honest but I will admit that I don’t post some of my more raw feelings about being a mom… Maybe I should.
To start with: I don’t always want to hear what my kids did at school that day. There have been days when the sound of their voices absolutely grates on every one of my nerves.
That’s not nice is it? No… It’s not but IT IS THE TRUTH.
The truth is ugly. It’s not pretty. It’s not pretty and motherly to say I feel like throwing a party the moment they are in bed or at school. It’s not even remotely loving to say I fantasize about the days when they will be grown, or that I dream of running away in the middle of the night, never to return without even so much as a note telling them dinner is in the fridge.
See the problem with the truth and being honest is that people want it, until they actually get it. Once it’s out there, WHOA BUDDY! It’s a can of worms most people can’t really deal with.
We think that if we are being honest or truthful about how painfully ugly, selfish, and slave-like parenting can be, it’s an admission of guilt.
But is it? If I tell you that once they hit school age, I am counting the days until they move out or that even though I paid for them to play in sports, I dread the practices and the time the games take away from other things I could be doing… If I tell you all of that, is it an admission of my parental guilt?
I feel guilty when I forget the lunch they need for a field trip or snacks for school. I feel guilty when there isn’t extra money for the new shoes they want or when Bebe asks me if I plan on working all summer. Those are guilty moments.
It’s not guilt to stand up and say, Hell yes they irritate me. Every time they start droning on about who did what to whom at recess, I block them out and start picturing the days when I will wake up in the morning and not have to get anyone ready for school because they have all moved out.
It’s honesty. But honesty scares the crap out of people. It makes them recoil in horror (like you are doing right now… OH MY GOD. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT ABOUT YOUR OWN CHILD.)
Believe it sister. I love them, I love to look at them, I love to watch them play and learn new things but some days, I love them more when they are quiet… or sleeping.
I am sure that there are moms and dads out there who don’t feel this raw honesty. But as sure as I am about that, I am sure that at least once a day, some mom calls up her best mom friend and says, “I really, really don’t like kids”
Too harsh? Probably but I think that any parent who has not felt at least one “Why-did-I-have-kids-they-make-me-insane” thought is quite possibly lying to themselves.
It is quite possible to love and hate having kids all in the same breath. It’s not the popular way of thinking but it is the truth. You can love them and at the same time, hate the way your life has changed. You can hate that if you didn’t have kids, you could be doing something absolutely fabulous instead of washing dishes for the seventh time that day.
The thing is, people aren’t ready to hear all of that. (It’s a good thing no one reads this blog then huh? Can you imagine if this got out?)