I was going through some old posts of mine from Myspace. I used to post there quite a bit and I used the Myspace blog as a sounding board for things I wasn’t ready or willing to share with the rest of the world. But after sifting through the archives I’ve decided that this is one of those posts that we could all use some reminding of, (I wrote it and I still need to be reminded). So from the archives of August 2007….
If there is one thing I realize is that I am just one person.
Some days I believe that I can be more than one person. But I know deep down in that semi-conscious place… You know the one; You aren’t quite awake and so you begin planning your day out in your mind, in your dreams, deciding what to accomplish and what to let go of for now… That place. But when you wake up you go about things like you are Superwoman, trying to accomplish and do all before ass crack of midnight falls.
That is where I live, in the Superwoman state. Believing I can get it all done and that no one else can do it better than me. So not true. There are things that I can’t accomplish or fix. Aaahhh but I still try. I can’t make the kids play nice at recess or include my own for a birthday party. I can’t control what people say or do or think of me and MY OWN no matter what I give to the contrary. I can’t fix the world, impeach the president, or get our troops home. There are days when I wonder if I can feed my own family so I know I am incapable of feeding the world. But somewhere I still want to try.
It’s because I still live in that childlike mindset where a kiss can fix a boo boo. Where blowing on the red light will turn it green and if you throw enough pennies into the wishing well or find that first and only star, that your wishes can make the world a better place.
That is where Superwoman begins. We believe that with a kiss, a whispered wish, and gentle air from our mouths will make our worlds better. Will make us who we want to be and for everybody. But it just isn’t so.Today I couldn’t be who I needed to be. I had to call in backup. I was hit with a headache that only my mother could tell you, knocks me on my ass, sends my world spiraling out of control and makes me cry like a 2 year old. I couldn’t be mom for awhile. I had to check out and trust that other people could take over for me. And they did. Without batting an eye and with so much ease that I never even missed that the children weren’t in the house. Thank you.
With my headache brought the reminder that I am not everyone. I can’t be everyone. There will always be too many, too much but never enough of me. There are things I cannot do and cannot control. I fought my headache and it got me nowhere. I won’t fight the other things I cannot control. I am wise enough to know that battle will end poorly as well. Much like the end of my headache did, woken up like a million years has passed, drenched with sweat and disoriented.
But unlike my headache’s demise, I would not feel refreshed and anew. The outcome would not be so pleasant. My choice for the things I cannot control is to let them go. I have to pretend that those are wishes yet to be granted and boo-boos yet to be kissed. I have to trust that what I cannot change, fix, or make better will pass on its own. That whatever is broke will find a way to heal itself or carry on without presence to make public my inadequate abilities to fix what I cannot. Toys might continue to remain unfixed, sewing uncompleted, and troubles of the mind go untended, left to be figured out in ones own time.
I do realize that I will go to bed with things left undone, unsaid, and unspoken, but as long as my children and my husband know I love them, I can fall asleep without worries of if I fixed enough for them today.
School begins soon for my house as well. Changes are underfoot in more places than one, and we must prepare for many things to be left undone. Many a day will pass where its wondered where our heads are and whose is not on straight. I won’t be bothered with the things I cannot fix at that point. There will be no room in it for me. Though I say that I have to let go of the things I cannot control, they still affect me, unfixed or not. They play at my mind and affect the way I see myself in those first waking moments, in the way I respond to the big needs of small people and the small needs of big people. Instead of letting them get the best of me and break me along with them, I have to put them aside and focus on there here and now. Some things just are what they are. No amount of Superwoman powers can fix everything that is broken.